apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize