i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
