I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
