it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
