I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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