Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
