My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
