I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
