Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
