I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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