She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
