dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
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