The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
