You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
he had hair everywhere except his balls
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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