In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
