the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i think my cat just said my name.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
