Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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