I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize