I wish my penis had an off switch
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
This is my gift to your gina
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
