If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize