Umm I'm too high to move.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
