If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
