I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Randomize
