Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
