i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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