Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
