that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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