You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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