i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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