She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
