Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
