i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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