fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We are all done wearing pants today
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize