piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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