I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
