Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
