thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
