am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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