you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
