did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
