so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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