Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
