My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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