Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
