She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
