Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
