I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
wakey wakey hands off snakey
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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