so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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