Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
