he wants to bone in the snuggie
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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