Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
