We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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