I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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