I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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