Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
