You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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